Dear Vicky,

I’m extremely concerned about my son who has yet to find a job even though he graduated from a good university last year. His sister is three years older and she went straight into a great job with a firm of estate agents. I was a stay-at-home mum but went back to my job as a school librarian when our daughter went up to university and my husband’s job takes him all over the world. I think of us as a hard working family but my son shows no sense of urgency in getting a job and if I raise it with him he says it’s a really tough job market. That said, he doesn’t seem that interested in looking so I’ve even suggested he start doing work experience – but he says he’s not working for free or a pittance.

We’ve treated both children the same, given them the same pocket money and paid for their driving lessons but other than that they’ve been reliant on family giving cash gifts at birthdays and Christmas. I’m worried we’ve spoilt him but I don’t want to start charging him rent – that’s not the sort of mother I want to be. How can I get him interested in earning a living?

L.A. via email

A lack of motivation is both a symptom and a cause of low moods and so I would try to approach him and find out what's going on for him, Vicky Reynal writes

A lack of motivation is both a symptom and a cause of low moods and so I would try to approach him and find out what’s going on for him, Vicky Reynal writes

Money Psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: I can hear the mix of worry, frustration and maybe even confusion that despite having raised your children similarly, one has gone off to get a job and become financially independent while the other seems to be resisting making this transition.

You wonder if this has been your fault, but you have both set the good example at home (being a hard-working family) and encouraged your children to go get a job – which worked for your daughter. So this isn’t about what you have or haven’t done in this regard, but more about what might be going on for your son that he is either unable to find the motivation to look for a job, afraid of the process/failure, or resisting/rebelling against something he feels you want for him.

Often, when parents and children have these conversations they remain entrenched in the parent holding onto the ‘should’ and the child holding on to the ‘no’. This can be a problem for a number of reasons: it creates a distance between the two of you and potentially even a power struggle in which, rather than doing what you’d like him to do (get a job) he resists it because it feels like a demand, or your agenda, or giving you what you want – rather than a desire born in him.

Opportunities are missed because this dynamic doesn’t position you well to be the one who helps him figure out what is going on behind this lack of motivation.

That’s where I would begin to shift things, by expressing curiosity about him.

A lack of motivation is both a symptom and a cause of low moods and so I would try to approach him and find out what’s going on for him. Is he happy with how things are for him at the moment? What would he like to do? What is he worried about or afraid of? Even if on paper, being supported by parents while doing nothing sounds like a ‘good deal’ I bet this isn’t how it feels to him.

He might be feeling lost, not knowing where to start his career, not knowing what he wants and not even where to start looking, in order to find it. How can you help him? Does he want to talk about it, maybe brainstorm options? Has he thought of going to his school’s career services counsellor to seek help? Does he want to shadow one of your friends for a week who works in the field he is interested in?

The specific questions are not so relevant as is bringing your curiosity to his inactive approach and potentially igniting his curiosity about his choices or creating a space in which his concerns and fears can be expressed.

There could be fear of rejection or failure in the mix too. Looking for a job is a process that exposes one potentially to a lot of rejections before an offer. But even in a successful scenario, one then has to perform and deliver and especially in a family in which parents and siblings were successful, it might feel like the bar is set high and it’s daunting to try and meet one’s own and others’ expectations.

READ MORE: My son wants me to invest my pension in his business idea, but I’m worried I’ll lose my money. What can I do? Money psychotherapist VICKY REYNAL replies

If the lack of motivation is not about feeling ‘lost’ or afraid, consider that it might actually be – consciously or unconsciously – an antagonistic attitude, which isn’t uncommon in adolescence.

As painful as this is for parents, adolescence -which psychologically lasts into our 20s – involves managing a great deal of mixed feelings, often including anger and frustration towards the parents.

This could be a result of past issues in the relationship, but usually it’s just part of building their own separate identity which might involve ‘trying on’ different attitudes, beliefs, values from the ones the parents have.

Hard as it may be to accept, he might have to ‘try on’ and inhabit this persona who is uninterested in getting a job until he comes up against the real consequences of his choice – like not being able to afford a trip his friends can go on because they have jobs.

If antagonism is the case, you have a choice. You can accelerate that process, by as you say charging rent – but consider that it is expectations and fear of judgement that causes young adults to act in a defiant way towards their parents. So instead you can give him time to find out by himself that money is necessary, and while you wait for that to happen you can still offer a safe space where he can express his feelings.

This post first appeared on Dailymail.co.uk

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