Giving money is supposed to leave us feeling good – yet that’s not always the outcome of being generous: it can start arguments, be misinterpreted and end up leaving us wishing we’d never done it in the first place. 

As a money psychotherapist, I have listened to plenty of clients who felt regretful, if not resentful, having given generously — and with the best of intentions — only to be met with indifference, ingratitude or even anger: 

One father who offered a deposit for his eldest daughter to buy her first flat, only to be faced with rage from his son for how unfair this was because he hadn’t been helped with buying his first car. A woman who expressed anger and suspicion when her boyfriend returned from a lad’s weekend in Ibiza with an unusually expensive gift. 

And a fiancée who knew that going on Caribbean holidays paid for by the future in-laws came with the expectation that she and her husband would show their gratitude by spending Christmas with them, too. 

So how can we generously gift our money in a way that minimises the risk that it will be taken the wrong way? And how can we avoid family or relationship rifts? 

Feel good factor: How can we generously gift our money in a way that minimises the risk that it will be taken the wrong way?

Feel good factor: How can we generously gift our money in a way that minimises the risk that it will be taken the wrong way?

Feel good factor: How can we generously gift our money in a way that minimises the risk that it will be taken the wrong way?

BE AWARE OF YOUR MOTIVES 

A desire to give can be driven by a variety of motives, so it’s important first to check that you are actually being generous because you want to be helpful and altruistic and not because you are trying to address an emotional need within you. 

Sometimes we are generous because we are trying to compensate for something: maybe we hope people will like us or love us more if we are generous because at some deep level we don’t feel ‘good enough’.  

Other times we are generous because it’s our way of keeping people close. Parents, for example, might keep supporting their children financially out of a desire to keep them dependent because they are afraid of letting them go. Or maybe we hope that giving will give us permission to exert power or control over the other, like parents who offer to pay for their child’s wedding but then expect to have final say on all the decisions; or someone who gives a gift to a colleague expecting them to put in a good word for their promotion. In these cases, our motive is not to enhance the wellbeing of another but to obtain something we want. 

In my experience, people can be controlling in their generosity — without being fully aware of it. We might struggle to recognise that when we paid for our adult-kids’ holidays we expected to have all our meals together, and find ourselves blurting out ‘But I’m paying for this holiday!’ when they make other plans. 

In a case like this, our giving came with expectations that we were possibly not fully aware of, maybe ashamed to recognise, and didn’t communicate, but which became evident when they were not met. 

But let’s say that we see a friend in need, and we give money to them because, at some level, we hope that someone would do the same for us one day. That’s different from expecting them to return the favour: it’s a general hope for reciprocity, rather than a demand for it. Most giving comes from a good place: from a desire to be helpful, to support someone, whether it’s a friend or a family member, or simply because we feel happy doing good (and there is research to show that this is a human phenomenon). 

So it’s important to establish what we want to achieve with our generosity. This will help us with making the message clear and avoiding not just rifts, but also our own disappointment if we don’t get what we were hoping for. 

Yet even when our generosity comes from wanting to enhance the wellbeing of another, things can go wrong, and that may be because something was not communicated effectively. 

SPEAK UP AND ALWAYS EXPLAIN YOUR REASONS 

It is a good idea to say exactly what your intentions are when you give someone a certain sum of money. Explain your reasons to them and you will avoid any misunderstandings. 

‘I wanted to help you out by giving you £x for your project because I have been there too and wish someone had done the same for me.’ 

‘Your mother and I wanted to gift you a deposit for the flat because we are proud of how hard you have saved as a student.’ 

‘I want to pay for your pottery classes because I love you and I know it’s something that makes you happy.’ 

Always be clear that it is a gift and not a loan. Be clear about what prompted you to take this decision and what you are trying to express by giving them money. 

If, say, you want to support your friend’s marathon charity fundraising not just because it’s a good thing to do, but also because you want to say you are sorry for having been a somewhat absent friend lately, then just say so! 

Sometimes not saying so causes the opposite effect, ‘Does she think she can fix our friendship by giving me a huge sum of money to sponsor my charity run?’ 

Saying sorry and backing it up with an action is very different from letting money do the talking — which can be misinterpreted.

STRINGS ATTACHED IS NOT ALWAYS BAD 

Is it controlling to state what the money is for? In other words, are ‘strings attached’ bad? It depends. Sometimes setting terms is helpful: they establish a boundary that protects the relationship, making expectations clear. 

If you are communicating to your adult child that you are happy to contribute towards their flat purchase, their children’s education, or their new business venture, this implies that if they took the money and, instead, went on an expensive holiday with it, you’d feel rightfully betrayed. 

Being clear upfront can stop conflict down the line. So it’s fine to have some terms attached to the giving, but often it’s about being reasonable, transparent and leaving the other person the freedom to take or leave your offer.

Crucially, when you set terms around giving, it should still be in the spirit of offering to contribute to something that you think they might want (grandchild’s education, the new flat), not getting them to do something they wouldn’t want such as train to be a vet just because money is on the table. 

If your best friend has told you they are overwhelmed with work and can’t help you move house this weekend, offering money afterwards to persuade them wouldn’t be generous, but manipulative. 

BE AWARE OF WHO WILL BE AFFECTED 

Good advice: Vicky Reynal

Good advice: Vicky Reynal

Good advice: Vicky Reynal

Generosity may be a two-person dynamic, but often more people are affected by it — and that’s where conflict often erupts. They happen, for example, because the money offered was not fully yours to offer: think of a husband and a wife who disagree, for example, on whether to give £5,000 to rescue their 22-year-old for a third time from a financial mess. 

If one went ahead despite the partner’s disapproval this would cause conflict. But what if they are in agreement and it’s the 24-yearold elder daughter who takes an issue with this: why was she denied financial assistance to purchase a car last year? 

I see it time and time again for siblings — even as adults — to have their antennas alert to any signs of ‘unfairness’ or imbalance when it comes to parenting. It is hard to shake the emotional imprint of competition for our parent’s attention, recognition and love. Indeed, these longings can drive our reactions to situations even when we are 20, 30, 40 years older. 

I have spoken to a sibling close to retirement who still vies with his brothers for his mother’s attention and compares what she gives each of them for their birthdays. Even in the absence of financial need, there might still be a residual need for fairness. 

Once you acknowledge who else could be impacted by the decision, you can communicate your motive and your intentions in a thoughtful way. You wouldn’t want them to find out from others and make their own assumptions.

YOUR DIFFERENT VIEWS MAY CAUSE ROWS 

Part of making a choice about giving money away is taking responsibility for its consequences. If you choose to give generously to your church, for example, some people in your family could feel angry. Perhaps they feel your money was best used to help the family, or simply because they are not religious. However, as you have the freedom to make your own choices with your money, they have the freedom to dislike them! 

Disagreements are sometimes unavoidable because we are different, but respecting each other’s views is the key to not allowing a disagreement to start a conflict.

…OR IT’S NOT REALLY ABOUT THE MONEY AT ALL 

You will choose your actions, your narrative and your tone when you come to give money, but how it’s perceived and reacted to will remain out of your control. Sometimes people won’t like our actions no matter how we explain them. 

In fact, they might not even want to listen to our rationale, because this isn’t about the £500, £5,000 or £50,000 but about all the other times we feel our parents have not been there for us, or all the other times that our partner ignored our wishes and went ahead with their own plans. 

So often I see that arguments are not about money at all, they are just the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back or one more example of an arrangement that has been bothering us or, most likely, hurting us for a long time. 

In those cases, instead of becoming defensive, I would encourage you to listen carefully to what is being said: what are they really angry about?

HOW TO MANAGE ANY INGRATITUDE 

What if the person who is causing upset after your generous act is actually the recipient? Such as the grandparent who sends money to the grandkids who never even say thank you for it. 

Or the relative who takes your offer for financial help but with a somewhat begrudging ‘too little too late’ attitude. I see these situations often and they are understandably upsetting. 

I would invite you to both have a conversation to express the anger/sadness/disappointment that the lack of gratitude has caused you. 

But I must stress that it is also important that you — in your mind and in the conversation — go back to your motives, your reasons for giving in the first place. 

If they are the right ones and you are doing it out of a genuine desire to help, or to express love, then you have been true to your reasons. Well done. 

Unfortunately, you can’t control anyone else’s reaction but you have done what you felt was best, and you can hold on to that. 

When it comes to giving money, the medium isn’t the message. You still need words to manage how it will be received. 

  • Money On Your Mind by Vicky Reynal will be published on May 9 by Bonnier Books UK. 

New equity release deals for Generation X 

Equity release lenders are targeting borrowers in their late 50s and 60s with new products that would see them pay off some of the interest in their lifetime. 

Normally, borrowers with a lifetime mortgage — the popular form of equity release — don’t pay any interest or capital until their home is sold when they go into care, or it is repaid when they die. 

Borrowers can sometimes make payments to keep interest costs from mounting, but this is optional. 

However, lenders are now introducing plans with mandatory interest repayments for a certain number of years. 

This could see Generation X homeowners making monthly payments from age 55, the minimum allowed for equity release, until they hit retirement, for example. 

Eligibility would also be assessed based on pre-retirement income. On retirement, the loan would convert to a standard lifetime mortgage and the interest would roll up until they die or go into care. Providers offering these ‘payment-term lifetime mortgages’ include More2Life, Legal & General Home Finance and Key Later Life Finance. 

Some younger borrowers in the past have been denied equity release because, with potentially many years left to live, the value of their home on death may not be enough to repay the loan, plus accrued interest. So the new plans could attract more customers. 

Current rates on equity release plans are between 6.5 per cent and 9 per cent. Stuart Powell, of Advice Guru, says: ‘Compound interest can be a problem. An 8 per cent interest rate with no interest payment made can double a £100,000 equity release debt in just seven years. With new products the debt remains the same if interest is paid monthly. Standard Life Home Finance and More2Life have taken this product innovation further. 

‘Standard Life offers a discount of up to 0.75 per cent on its standard rate if you pay the interest for up to 15 years. More2Life allows some customers to borrow more if they pay the interest in the initial years.’ 

  • The Mail on Sunday has produced a guide to equity release by Jeff Prestridge. For a free copy, call 0808 239 5293 or visit mailfinance.co.uk/unlockcash.

                                                                                                                               Helen Crane 

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This post first appeared on Dailymail.co.uk

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