You’re right to be worried about homophobic comments – but own up to spying on his phone before criticising him
The dilemma I recently read my husband’s WhatsApp conversation with a group of 10 of his friends – which I realise was a complete breach of trust – and was horrified about what I read. They made nasty, homophobic comments about one of my siblings and my husband didn’t intervene. He has told me before that he knows his friends’ “banter” is extreme, and that I shouldn’t look at it if I don’t want to be offended. But it isn’t banter – it’s hate-speech about a member of our family. I haven’t told my husband I’ve seen the comments because I know I was wrong to look. I can’t tell anyone what I’ve read for fear of them disliking him. The theme of making horrible comments about my sibling has been ongoing and there have been other disturbing things happen in the group (eg sharing naked photos of women they are dating, without their consent). It’s making me question whether I really know him. We have been married for three years and he is kind, generous, protective and makes me feel loved. Our day-to-day life is happy, but this is a big issue for me.
Mariella replies Oh dear. I wanted to pick something non-controversial this week, then your letter arrived. How could I possibly choose another when what you offer me is a perfect account of a universal dilemma? It’s the sort of letter that’s kept me here, fingers to the laptop, week in week out, for 20 years despite the perils of cautioning others from the quagmire of my own experience.
